Second Gollum's Assistant

Are you a stealthy, light-footed individual who doesn't mind the dark, damp, or occasional bouts of intense psychological warfare? An exciting (and terrifying) opportunity has opened up for a dedicated Personal Assistant to support a highly motivated, dual-personality ring enthusiast.

You will be responsible for day-to-day cave maintenance, dietary acquisition, and providing emotional validation during intense internal arguments.

Key Responsibilities

• Dietary Logistics: Source and retrieve crunchy-wunchy goblin meat and raw, wriggling fish. Strictly no cooking allowed. If you bring anything burnt or spoiled (i.e., bread, chips, or roasted meat), you will be severely hissed at.

• Conflict Resolution: Act as an unbiased third-party mediator during heated debates between "Smeagol" and "Gollum." You must remain neutral, though agreeing with Gollum is highly recommended for longevity.

• Security & Surveillance: Keep a watchful eye out for "Filthy Little Thieves" (specifically Hobbits). If a Baggins is spotted, you are required to alert management immediately via high-pitched shrieking.

• Riddle Management: Assist in brainstorming new riddles for potential encounters. (e.g., What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees...?)

• Precious Maintenance: Look at the Precious from a safe distance of no less than five feet while repeating, "Yes, bright eyes, so beautiful, so bright." DO NOT TOUCH. Touching the Precious will result in immediate termination (of your life).

Qualifications & Requirements

• Experience: 2–3 years in toxic work environments, hostage negotiation, or cave exploration.

• Physical Agility: Must be able to crawl on all fours at high speeds. Ability to scale sheer rock faces without ropes is a huge plus.

• Language Skills: Proficiency in Hissing, Gurgling, and the repetitive use of plural nouns ("We wants it!", "Pocketses!").

• Shift Flexibility: Must be comfortable working in absolute pitch-black darkness. No flashlights permitted (they burns us!).

• Hygiene: Low maintenance. Hairbrushes, shoes, and clothes are actively discouraged.

Perks & Benefits

• High-protein, entirely organic, uncooked diet.

• Immunity from the Dark Lord’s Orcs (usually).

• The profound honor of being called "my precious" (even if he's actually looking at the ring behind you).

How to Apply: > Do not send a resume. Simply crawl into the nearest dark, damp cave opening and whisper, "We are ready to serve the Precious." If you are not eaten within ten minutes, you've got the job!